[part one in maybe an ongoing series of facts about people or things, or maybe just a one part series, or who knows]
If you know me at all, you know that I am a Smart Person Who Knows Things About History and People. There are scant few of us SPWKTAHPs out there; in fact, I really only know one: Simian Idiot, a.k.a. Rev. Back It On Up 13, a.k.a. The Big Boss of This Area, a.k.a. Diana. We used to lay down all kinds of True Facts and Historical Knowledge all the time on a newsgroup called [REDACTED], but it’s been a while since we schooled people with Truth.
Somehow today, we were dropping serious knowledge about Micky Dolenz, former Monkee and probably cool guy. I’ve never actually met him, and I don’t think Diana ever met him either, but because we are Area Bosses (her of This Area, me of That Area), we just know stuff and that’s that.
fact: micky dolenz was actually pretty hot
It started when I shared a video of Dolenz, singing a song and wearing a beard like a lowercase-b boss, and then I got all excited about him being amazing and then ALL KNOWLEDGE BROKE LOOSE. Special guest stars include Ankara, who has a ponytail, and Pope Maurice, who is actually my brother in disguise. So collected here, as a kind of Official Reference Guide to Facts About Micky Dolenz, is a…um…Official Reference Guide to Facts About Micky Dolenz:
biou: he invented the internet, for one thing. And he has a fourteen inch johnson. Or so they say.
anna: He once saved a baby that fell from an airplane. That baby grew up to be Davy Jones.
biou: mickey dolenz can impregnate a woman from across the street.
anna: Micky Dolenz can eat a hoagie as big as a small Englishman. However, he refuses to do so in public
biou: Mickey Dolenz’ mother invented the multiple orgasm. By accident. She was trying to invent the Post-It Note.
pope maurice: Inside of Micky Dolenz is another, slightly smaller Micky Dolenz. Inside of that Micky Dolenz? Skittles.
biou: mickey dolenz submitted plans that would have saved the titanic, everybody laughed at him. THEY’RE NOT LAUGHING NOW.
anna: Micky Dolenz is my grandma.
biou: Mickey Dolenz can cure minor ailments, such as athlete’s foot and sinus infections, WITH HIS MIND.
anna: Micky Dolenz is the reason there is a National Do Not Call list. The exact details of why are a state secret.
biou: Mickey Dolenz gave Pamela Anderson hepatitis.
anna: Micky Dolenz watches over us all as we sleep.
pope maurice: Micky Dolenz is actually the 19th person to assume the mantle of Micky Dolenz, dating back to 1142 A.D.
anna: Micky Dolenz is personally responsible for 97% of all flat tires in the US and Canada.
biou: Mickey Dolenz once broke a man’s hand because he observed the scoundrel insulting a lady.
biou: Mickey Dolenz has never urinated, once, in his life.
ankara: Micky Dolenz name translates to “guardian of the moon” in 453 different languages
anna: Micky Dolenz reproduces asexually. This is where we got the phrase “rubbing elbows.”
biou: Micky Dolenz was the first man to eat an oyster. FACT: He enjoyed it so much, that was all he would eat for a year.
ankara: Micky Dolenz once snored at a man who was shooting too loud
biou: Micky Dolenz was the inspiration for Scarface.
anna: Micky Dolenz has been the spiritual advisor to England’s royal family since 1954.
ankara: Micky Dolenz can cause a plate of Oysters Rockefeller to appear simply by yodeling
ankara: If Micky Dolenz hugs you, your pockets and shoes will be filled with candy
biou: Micky Dolenz has sex with every single clown he encounters.
anna: Micky Dolenz smells like a man, yet tastes like a pickle. Science has long since given up finding out why.
ankara: The blood of Micky Dolenz will transmute lead into wool
biou: Micky Dolenz once bested Apollo in a footrace. His prize was a golden pineapple.
ankara: Micky Dolenz invented cheese spread
ankara: Micky Dolenz caused Rick Santorum to suspend his campaign for president
anna: Micky Dolenz actually gave birth to two important concepts: Liquid Paper, and Mike Nesmith.
biou: Micky Dolenz smells naturally of bananas.
anna: Micky Dolenz must lick everything to determine if it’s safe for his consumption, including other people.
biou: Micky Dolenz makes elderly people uncomfortable at bus stops.
pope maurice: Micky Dolenz is a second cousin to Lemmy’s cocoa puff.
anna: Jimmy Cagney’s entire career was premised on his Micky Dolenz impersonation.
anna: Micky Dolenz once ate a bat at a Monkees concert. That bat grew up to be Ozzy Osbourne.
biou: Dolenz Fever is a condition wherein new mothers push in the faces of their newborns. Julia Stiles is a famous victim.
biou: Micky Dolenz has redeemed this entire stupid day. I would kiss him, if it wouldn’t make me go blind. Which it would.
You have now all been officially schooled in True Facts about Micky Dolenz. I like to think that when he rises from the grave again, he would be pleased that we have shared so many wonderful and truthful facts about him.