crap salad (probably NSFW)

So the other night, I came home from work and promptly fell asleep on the couch for about 90 minutes. As one does. By the time I woke up, it was nearly 7:30pm, and neither mom nor I had eaten dinner, nor did we have any ideas about what to eat other than we knew we needed to eat. So we began looking through the cupboards and the pantry to see what we could make, which turned up bupkis unless we wanted to eat boxed macaroni cheese, which no. So we did the natural thing: we sat on the couch for another half-hour and did nothing about putting food in our faces until mom turned to me and said, “wanna go to McDonald’s and get some chickie nuggets?” and I was, surprisingly, all like “DEAR GOD YES.” so we went to McDonald’s.

Now, lately, I haven’t been able to eat McDonald’s very often because of a weird liver thing that’s popped up within the last year or so. On doctor’s orders, I’ve severely cut back my chickie nugget intake, although I’m finding it hard to entirely quit eating there, because those coffee drinks they have are surprisingly delicious, and cheap. So rolling into McD’s at about 8pm was about the last thing I wanted to do, therefore I decided to go the “healthy” route and get a salad. A chicken bacon ranch salad, but a salad nonetheless. “Salad.” It only counts insofar as there’s lettuce, carrots, and those little grape tomatoes, which I always pick out, because fuck a grape tomato.

Anyhow, we decided to eat there instead of doing the drive-thru thing, and when I ordered my food, here’s how it went down:

Register Person: “…and for you?”

anna: “I’ll have the chicken bacon ranch salad, with crispy chicken.” (remember, I’m being health-conscious here, ha ha)

RP: “Excellent choice.”

anna: “…” (internal monologue: what the…? did I just choose something from the wine list?)

RP: [asks mom what she would like to drink with her chickie nugs meal deal]

anna: “Could I get one of those strawberry frozen lemonade things?”

RP: “Oh, great choice!”

anna: (O_o) … (~_~)

…and scene

It’s like this person was ENCOURAGING me to come baaaaaaack to McDonald’s. O HELL NO. Not after what happened…after the salad.

If you’re sensitive of stomach, you might want to stop reading now. Because it’s going to get graphic.

Well, not that graphic.

But still.

A little gross.

Anyhow, not only should I not eat at McDonald’s because of searing abdominal pain afterward, there’s also a fun gastrointestinal component to eating there that kicks in anywhere from six to twenty-four hours later. Basically, the medical terminology for this is “the raging shits.” I’M SORRY, EVERYONE READING THIS.

Seriously, though, I think that salad was washed in miralax or something! How does a salad even give someone that kind of reaction?! Fuck a salad! Fuck the salad shits! Fuck ’em!

Now, I say all that to say this: when salad gives you the hella poops, just quit salad. Go back to red meat forever, my god.

lol salad

you won’t be laughing when your anus is violently expelling horrendous deadly ooze.

I don’t know why I felt like I had to share this with the world, I really don’t. And yet, here we are. Thank you for joining me on this journey, I guess?

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