The Worst of 2013 – Highly NOT Recommended!

See, this is how it works: I lure you all in with the best-of posts, and then toss a grenade of bad films into your lap and run away. Thankfully, there were only ten truly bad (which has a variety of meanings here) first viewing films that I wasted time on in 2013. Whew!

I love a good bad film. Something that shows a lot of heart or care, or where the filmmakers seem to be having a good time despite the constrictions of a bad script or a low budget. I forgive a lot when it comes to film, because I try to find something good in everything. “Well, at least so-and-so gave a really great performance there” is a thing I say a lot. Also, “at least it was a good-looking film” or “oh, the design of that film was really something else.” In fact, I think I said all of these things about Sucker Punch, which is by and large not that good of a film, yet somehow I really dug it.

A bigger sin than a film being terribly made or poorly acted, at least to me, is when it’s boring. There’s nothing quite as offensive as when a film phones it in. Then again, when a film is desperate to be as offensive as possible, that’s just about as bad. And sometimes, a film is just so awkward when taken out of its time that all you can do is shake your head. So here, in no particular order, are the ten films I saw in 2013 that infuriated me, bored me to tears, and / or made me wonder “what were they thinking?” along with their reasons for being accused of crimes against cinema.

The Devil Inside:

The-Devil-Inside-reviewCrimes: Incoherent screenplay and the inability to be convincing as a found-footage document; dull, dull, dull.

Cannibal Ferox:

Cannibal-Ferox-1Crimes: Cruelty towards animal, actor and audience alike; obnoxious and utterly painful to endure. You know it’s bad when your lead actor denounces the film.

Heckler:

hecklerCrimes: Jamie Kennedy being a huge man-baby for 90 minutes.

The Boy In The Striped Pajamas:

boy in striped pajamasCrimes: Scenery-chewing actors; a truly offensive story that assumes the audience couldn’t understand the scope and horror of the Holocaust unless the son of a Nazi soldier is gassed on accident.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind:

confessions-of-a-dangerous-mind-why-so-blu-4Crimes: Wasted potential in dealing with what might have been a fascinating subject; Clooney’s direction is a pale copy of Soderbergh at his worst; boring as shit.

From Within:

from-within_likemeCrimes: Dull script; zero effort from cast; lackluster directing; bad twist ending.

The Fourth Kind:

the-fourth-kindCrimes: “Actual footage” is wholly unbelievable due to poor acting; waste of Milla Jovovich (who shines but can’t carry the entire film).

The Afflicted:

afflictedCrimes: Leslie Easterbrook; shrill, offensive, and overall dull end result; the best actor here is Kane Hodder and he’s fridged (literally) within ten minutes.

Dressed to Kill:

dressed to killCrimes: “Trans woman as psycho killer” trope; seriously un-erotic for an erotic thriller; De Palma’s most painful film to watch after Black Dahlia.

Unraveled:

unraveledCrimes: Seriously boring; unsympathetic subject matter; zero revelations or insight into the mind behind one of the biggest Ponzi schemes to date.

There you have it! I cannot in good conscience recommend any of these films to you, and in fact advise you to avoid them at all costs if you value your time. Just one of the many services I offer; don’t say I never did anything for ya’!

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